Re: PSA: how not to commit a perfect murder

Well it looks like the fish oil isn't working. Here's the link to the main article.

On 3/15/07, Loki Odinson <god.of.mischief@gmail.com> wrote:

If, say, you're a lawyer and you're considering killing your husband, don't go onto Google and Yahoo with searches on gun laws, poisons, and "how to commit murder".

Because if you do that, you will be caught and possibly go to prison even if he needed killing. If you do plan on killing someone illegally, not that I'm recommending it, first buy yourself a copy of a whole-disk encryption program such as DCPP from SecurStar or Seagate's new encrypted disk line. And don't ever forget that the proper place to research your crime is the public library.

Good luck, and for your planning needs, check out PhoneCrypt, an end-to-end encryption solution appropriate for planning every operation from crashing planes into buildings to surprise parties. "Cut that chatter!" -- dead terrorist

PSA: how not to commit a perfect murder

If, say, you're a lawyer and you're considering killing your husband, don't go onto Google and Yahoo with searches on gun laws, poisons, and "how to commit murder".

Because if you do that, you will be caught and possibly go to prison even if he needed killing. If you do plan on killing someone illegally, not that I'm recommending it, first buy yourself a copy of a whole-disk encryption program such as DCPP from SecurStar or Seagate's new encrypted disk line. And don't ever forget that the proper place to research your crime is the public library.

Good luck, and for your planning needs, check out PhoneCrypt, an end-to-end encryption solution appropriate for planning every operation from crashing planes into buildings to surprise parties. "Cut that chatter!" -- dead terrorist

Weight Loss Winner: Atkins

Fresh off the presses: Stanford University study of the effectiveness of diets finds Atkins the most effective.

A fine example of junk science. I remember fondly the days when the entire medical profession and bunches of scientists said that we should all be eating rice and stuff like the Chinese do because the Chinese have fewer heart attacks or something. Public policy and laws were enacted based on the dubious science of setting out to prove something that you want to prove.

And since ethanol is going to be fermented straight out of cellulose now, that 20% of the annual corn crop that is going to ethanol production can be put to more important use, like feeding cows. (I propose replacing the grain-meal bags-o-starch that's delivered into famine regions be replaced with that same wood pulp, except don't ferment it all the way down to booze, but just to something human digestible.

"Uhhhggghhggggghg, bacon"

How to gut California Prop 65

Prop 65 is the law responsible for the endless stream of warnings on virtually everything that state: "This product contains a chemical known by the state of California to cause cancer." I once saw this warning on the label of bottled spring water.

Apparently, Prop 65 contains a "bounty hunter" provision where citizens can get 25% of any fines levied, actively encouraging lawsuits in pursuit of the prize. This is of course a terrible idea because it encourages people to make shit up.

Since you apparently can't warn people too much I propose that all manufacturers everywhere include this warning on every product they make. Everyone wins this way (including label printers)! Everyone gets adequate warning, manufacturers don't have to worry about lawsuits, and the state of California can save it's research budget because everything has already declared itself to be bad for you.

Baby Jesus

This is just too fucking cute: The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

Sure way to find out if your phone is tapped.

Every time you hear a click on your phone line, utter a threatening phrase that the Secret Service is bound to investigate, then when they knock on your door, tell them the absolute truth, that you had no intention of carrying out the threat, that you only said it to find out if your phone was tapped.

Then call the newspapers.

Gay Riot

It occurs to that from a strategic point of view: why the hell should I care about gay rights? Back in the olden days, we had race riots to make us give a shit. But do we get a gay RIOT? No -- we get some pansy-assed (to coin a phrase) gay MARCH.

Whoop de do. A march.

In any case, I expect that many legislative movements were born of blocking traffic and walking down the street in revealing outfits that get posted on internet newsgroups so that thousands upon thousands of lonely college freshmen can whack off to the lesbians with pierced nips and spiky collars. Or something. Hey, at least it wins over the lonely-college-freshman vote.

In any case, if you want civil rights, gay or otherwise, you have to have a riot, not some stupid march. Duh. Show some balls (so to speak)! Smash something! Get arrested throwing a brick at a truck driver's head!

Pot farming.

In western states with lots of government owned land, it's apparently a problem that pot growers set up plantations that the state then has to eradicate.

Well this is just stupid. The pot farmers should get a decent GPS and a good set of hiking boots. In the spring, they could hike into all kinds of hard to reach places and plant their crop one seed at a time. Then, at the end of the summer, they go back to their GPS waypoints and track down their crops for harvest.

Better yet, send an underage high-school doper out to fetch your dope for you. He'll probably even work for dope.

It might be a bit more expensive to harvest this way, but the prison risk goes way down and it becomes much more difficult for fly-over's to get a spectral profile of pot chlorophyll.

Gay Marriage the Easy Way

Go get a judge to declare you to be the opposite sex on government documents. People taking drugs and undergoing cosmetic surgery on their bodies to look like the opposite sex do it all the time; all you need is a sympathetic judge and you've sidestepped the law legally.

Favors

That is not correct. It's not a poor concept. It is poor form though because the person who owes the favor should damned well know it. Favors are essentially time given or risked for someone else to enhance political standing. That's too valuable to piss away on everyone around you. If you extend an unreturned favor, consider it a loss leader and be more careful next time.

The thing this person is thinking of is "charity".

On 8/19/05, [someone] wrote:

I don't like the concept of favors because they have an implication
of obligation.  When I do something for someone, I do not expect
anything in return.  I believe that "You owe me a favor," is a poor
concept.

Disperse the poor.

I propose that anyone on public assistance be barred by law from living within a kilometer of anyone else on public assistance. That would minimize the number of people getting together to re-inforce their own world view that society owes them a living. For example, plant one or two families in the middle of an affluent suburban development -- give them something to shoot for. And a reason to pick up the trash on their lawns.

Clone Yourself

To really annoy your enemies, clone yourself.

Good Lawyer

Because I believe that all non-evilness in lawyers should receive positive feedback, please send this one as much support as she needs.

Woman Promotes the Right to Go Topless

• An attorney crusades to change the law because it treats male and female sunbathers differently. A ruling in a Megan's Law case adds urgency.

Snow Hell

I've always hated the way they measure snowfall. A 30 inch column of snow can vary from the density of solid ice to cotton candy. Melt it and convert it to water units first, then multiply by a marketing constant called the "snow factor". Then meteorologists can lecture us on how to use the "snow factor". They'd love that.

Fufill yourself.

Embrace your inner chimp.

Pay Poor People to Get Sterilized

The Government should give prize money to people to get themselves sterilized. No restrictions -- you can use the money to settle your bill at the crack dealer, or you can invest it. Put the person on a blacklist that they can't get a reversal for 5 years (this weeds out the idiots who will just blow the prize money.) If you take the money, insurers are forbidden from covering a reversal procedure, although you are free to pay cash. One time deal -- you can't do it twice.

Realistically, only really, really poor people or desperate people or financial idiots would see this as a good deal, and frankly we really don't need their genes floating around anyway.

Cost analysis: Calculate the average amount of money in government services saved if some poor person were to become neutered and/or spayed. Discount that by 50% and offer that as the payoff to poor person to get snipped.

I'd offer it to the everyone, though because even though some non-poor person might statistically output more tax donors than recipients, he doesn't need to be passing his genes along anyway.

Win-win.

Credit Card Offers

When you get a credit card offer in the mail, take the outer envelope and all the contents and stuff it into the prepaid envelope and mail it back with a staple in the center of it. That annoys them and costs them money.

Phone Survey Fee

Whenever I get a phone survey, I ask, "Are you aware of the fee?"

"What fee?"

"There's a ten dollar fee to answer surveys, if you have a credit card, you can deposit into my paypal account."

"We don't pay fees for surveys."

"Bummer."

With Handouts Comes Obligation

I've come to the thinking that what I don't like about the left's foreign policy is that they like to buy off good will without attaching obligations to it. I'd much rather that our foreign aid policies be, "you do what the hell we want or we'll not only cut you off, but come in and take back what we already gave you." Come to think of it, that attitude would work well with just about any government handout. Get any type of aid, you have to do what you're told. Or else.

Breeding

Encourage stupid people not to breed. It should be easy to convince them because they're stupid. Make especially strong emphasis of kids getting bodily fluids all over you and them breaking all your stuff.