Disperse the poor.

I propose that anyone on public assistance be barred by law from living within a kilometer of anyone else on public assistance. That would minimize the number of people getting together to re-inforce their own world view that society owes them a living. For example, plant one or two families in the middle of an affluent suburban development -- give them something to shoot for. And a reason to pick up the trash on their lawns.

Clone Yourself

To really annoy your enemies, clone yourself.

Good Lawyer

Because I believe that all non-evilness in lawyers should receive positive feedback, please send this one as much support as she needs.

Woman Promotes the Right to Go Topless

• An attorney crusades to change the law because it treats male and female sunbathers differently. A ruling in a Megan's Law case adds urgency.

Snow Hell

I've always hated the way they measure snowfall. A 30 inch column of snow can vary from the density of solid ice to cotton candy. Melt it and convert it to water units first, then multiply by a marketing constant called the "snow factor". Then meteorologists can lecture us on how to use the "snow factor". They'd love that.

Fufill yourself.

Embrace your inner chimp.

Pay Poor People to Get Sterilized

The Government should give prize money to people to get themselves sterilized. No restrictions -- you can use the money to settle your bill at the crack dealer, or you can invest it. Put the person on a blacklist that they can't get a reversal for 5 years (this weeds out the idiots who will just blow the prize money.) If you take the money, insurers are forbidden from covering a reversal procedure, although you are free to pay cash. One time deal -- you can't do it twice.

Realistically, only really, really poor people or desperate people or financial idiots would see this as a good deal, and frankly we really don't need their genes floating around anyway.

Cost analysis: Calculate the average amount of money in government services saved if some poor person were to become neutered and/or spayed. Discount that by 50% and offer that as the payoff to poor person to get snipped.

I'd offer it to the everyone, though because even though some non-poor person might statistically output more tax donors than recipients, he doesn't need to be passing his genes along anyway.

Win-win.

Credit Card Offers

When you get a credit card offer in the mail, take the outer envelope and all the contents and stuff it into the prepaid envelope and mail it back with a staple in the center of it. That annoys them and costs them money.

Phone Survey Fee

Whenever I get a phone survey, I ask, "Are you aware of the fee?"

"What fee?"

"There's a ten dollar fee to answer surveys, if you have a credit card, you can deposit into my paypal account."

"We don't pay fees for surveys."

"Bummer."

With Handouts Comes Obligation

I've come to the thinking that what I don't like about the left's foreign policy is that they like to buy off good will without attaching obligations to it. I'd much rather that our foreign aid policies be, "you do what the hell we want or we'll not only cut you off, but come in and take back what we already gave you." Come to think of it, that attitude would work well with just about any government handout. Get any type of aid, you have to do what you're told. Or else.

Breeding

Encourage stupid people not to breed. It should be easy to convince them because they're stupid. Make especially strong emphasis of kids getting bodily fluids all over you and them breaking all your stuff.